The rules of good argument

Exchange of views could escalate into all-out conflict, or to remain a constructive dialogue. What does it depend? Explains the therapist and sexologist Catherine Solano (Catherine Solano). What is the correct conflict?



This conflict, which allows you to find a solution acceptable to both parties, and not to accumulate mutual resentment. When everyone has the opportunity to speak, without trying to injure another, and after ascertaining the relationship feels relieved. Conversely, an argument can be considered disruptive if the result of one of the disputants feels humiliated, depressed and generally begins to doubt his love ... How to find out a constructive relationship?
Avoid generalizations

It is better to say: "You forgot to go to the store" than: "You never keep their promises. The concrete fact is difficult to deny, but to correct the situation easier.
Hearing the unspoken reproaches for the needs of
He is offended that you do not give him a job sandwiches? Do not rashly call him an exploiter and a retrograde, try to understand why it is so important to him. Perhaps he sees this gesture as proof of your love? In this case, nothing prevents you reply: "I understand you, but I am not with a second free." To reduce stress, sometimes simply to recognize someone else's desire or need, even if they are not met.
Suggest a compromise

Instead of all costs to prove their point of view or to press charges, remember that you are partners, not adversaries. "Okay, you can not return every evening at seven o'clock, to sit with the child, then let's think of something that I had more free time."
Deter aggression

Anger - is emotion. Aggression, physical or verbal - use this emotion with which to attack or injure. You can not deny yourself to feel anger, but we are responsible for actions that do under its influence. If you are peculiar bouts of destructive rage, go for a walk until you calm down and not be able to discuss things properly.
If your partner feels offended and lost, then it's on your fights hurt. In this case, do not hesitate to say: "I am ashamed that I called you a rag, in fact I do not think so." It is important to show that your relationship is more important than being right or a mistake. How to settle the conflict?
Play on the surprise effect

Nobody forces us to respond to aggression aggression. You can reduce everything to a joke (an insulting irony in this case it is better to avoid) or disarm partner unexpected reaction: "I so love it when you frown."
Deviate

He gets angry at any trifles? Perhaps he was taken out of equilibrium in trouble at work. In this case, it would be very grateful if you understand it without words and say something like: "I think you're not in the spirit, tell me: what have you been?" How to stop the constant bickering?

If you have the impression that you are only doing that quarrel, try to balance the reproaches of praise. Couples tend to discuss only the problem. Do not be lazy identify words and what you like, both in detail and globally. "It is so nice to kiss you when you shaved," Thank you, that put it in the room ", etc. How to find the words

To make "all that is in the heart", without causing a companion rejection reactions, a psychologist Marshall Rosenberg (author of The Language of Life. Nonviolent Communication ") proposes to use the process of non-aggressive communication.
He is to describe:

* Action that we observe;
* Emotions that these actions in us;
* Needs to hide those emotions;
* Specific actions that we expect.

Here's how it should sound: "When I see your socks scattered, it annoys me, because I can not live in a mess. Can you remove them? "According to Catherine Solano, this technique allows both should consider what you want to say, instead of just throw out your anger. Perhaps in the heat of the argument it is not immediately able to apply, but practice, you will succeed.